The Nature of Happiness

It will never be my intent to call anyone out on this blog. However, my friends and family will see themselves all over this entry. So if you know me well, ask yourself where you fit in.

Recent events have left me contemplating the nature of happiness. Where does it come from? What guarantees it? Is it the same as joy? Or is it the same as peace or tranquility?

I've decided that happiness can't be the same as joy, but joy can be the sparkle of happiness. And if you are happy it is likely also that you have joy. I think that inner peace lays a foundation for happiness. Without that foundation, happiness can't take purchase.

I have a friend who comes from a disfunctional family. Her childhood was marked by horrible events. As an adult, I have watched her seek happiness. She truly wants to be happy and have peace in her life. She was not taught it at home because it didn't exist there, but she knows it exists somewhere and so she seeks it. I believe that one day she will find it because what she does have is an immense capacity for joy. I have laughed with no other person more than I have laughed with her. She has a profound sense of the absurd and loves to laugh. We have laughed until we ached and it hurt to breathe the next day. Is she happy? Not yet. Is she getting there? You betcha. She's working at it.

There are others in my life who have no real struggles in their lives. The drama in their lives comes not from without, like my friend I just mentioned, but from within. Life should be good. But there appears to be a short supply of joy and little happiness. Never sure of their footing, there seems to be an almost-constant catalog running- a continual comparison to determine one's place on the totem pole. These people are not looking for happiness, they are looking for victory, perhaps. I really think they don't have happiness as a goal. They don't seem to be seeking it. I'm not sure what they're seeking. Conquest?

There are others in my life too who have both happiness and joy. Life's struggles have been nothing beyond the ordinary and they have been free to simply be. They appreciate what they have and don't seem to be phased by what they don't. They are easy to be around because they give the benefit of the doubt- hurt feelings are hard to come by. Conversation is natural and uncalculated. I never have to worry about what I say around them because they don't take offense at things- they don't make things personal that were not meant to be.

I watch my 2-year-old and I see how passionate he is. My husband took him into the back yard to pick up sticks the other day after a wind storm. Ted got so excited helping out that he was actually shaking as he put a stick into the can. The capacity for joy that a 2-year-old has is immeasurable. What takes that away? How does it translate into future happiness? I don't know. My husband and I often talk about how we need to care for his childhood so that he can become a happy adult. We talk about how we need to lay a foundation so that he can achieve peace- so that it can be available to him when he's older.

I do know that the adults whom I see as being the happiest react to my 2-year-old in similar fashion. They want some of that joy. They get down on the floor and play with him. They pick him up and spin him around. They chase him and play and roll around in the grass.

The adults I see as being less happy appear to be too worried about what others would think. They don't roll around on the grass. They might engage the toddler, but they ask him questions and then turn back to the adult company.

What is the key to happiness? Does anyone really know? I can tell you this though:

The happy people I know are generally unconcerned about what other people are doing or acquiring as it relates to them.
They are inclusive of others rather than exclusive.
They let go of hurt feelings.
They give others the benefit of the doubt.
They expect others to give them the benefit of the doubt.
They don't have rigid preconceived notions about how life should be.
They give lots of hugs.

They also don't see everything in relation to them- by that I mean this: if I was to say "I'm so glad I don't drive a mini-van. If I drove one it would make me feel frumpy." The happy people I know would take that to mean exactly what I said. The unhappy people would take that to mean that I think they are frumpy if they drive a mini-van. (I drive a mini-van btw and I might even be a little frumpy.)

I think that one can have moments of joy without having happiness. I don't know that it's possible to have a life of happiness without moments of joy. I think the key to happiness is personal satisfaction- inner peace. I think that if you have acceptance of yourself and are able to forgive yourself and maybe even like yourself then you can be happy.

In a couple of weeks I am going to be meeting some friends for the first time. We are part of an internet chat group and while we've talked to each other for a couple of years, we've never actually met. This morning it occurred to me that my only real concern is whether my boys are going to sleep. (We're going to share a lodge and I'll sleep in a room with both boys and I snore like a freight train.) I'm not concerned at all about whether these women are going to like me. Before I found happiness, I would have worried about that a lot. I would have fretted and thought about it and thought about what I was going to talk about and how I should dress. It would have been like a first date.

I'm not worried about it. I guess it's because I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt and I expect I'll get it in return.

While I was thinking about all of this, one lucky family member kept coming into my mind when I was thinking about people I knew whom I considered to be happy. I called her up and told her that she kept popping into my mind as a person who was truly happy. You can guess what she said.

She said: Awww, that makes me happy!