He's Growing Up

I ditched the baby monitor for good. It wasn't a good-quality piece of equipment anyway. I had to position it just right on the night stand or it would buzz a little bit and sometimes what started out as a perfect position somehow became imperfect as the night wore on and it would start to buzz and wake me up.

I turned it off two-and-a-half nights ago and I've slept better ever since. It needed to happen.

Henry's big enough now that he can summon me from my room if he really needs me and I don't need to hear every bit of movement he makes. Here's a current photo:



He'll be my last child- two is a good number for us and with me being 41, almost 42, the risks go up every year of complications with not only me but also the baby. Two is a logical number for us.

I had a strong urge to be pregnant again a couple of days ago. It came from out of nowhere. I didn't want to have another child- I just wanted to be pregnant again. There's something special about cradling life within- it's really the only chance you have to be completely protective. It's a secret club that only has two members. It's easy to overlook the heartburn and fatigue and constipation and every other pregnancy complaint when the product of that state is laughing at his rattle on a blanket next to my feet. The truth of it is that pregnancy is a chore, but the glory of it is unmistakable. If I was a younger woman I might not be able to resist its siren song, but I'm a practical woman. I've had 2 successful pregnancies despite being of Advanced Maternal Age and I'm not going to press my luck.

When I unplugged the monitor it struck me that this was a step towards independence for him. There are countless tiny steps you accompany your child through that lead eventually to his independence. The first one is birth. The others are less dramatic, certainly, and many of them are tiny, but each one is a little milestone. The first big one after birth in our family is moving the baby out of the bedroom and into his own room. That happened a few weeks ago.

The turning-off of the monitor is a tiny step. I'm sure it's what prompted my desire to be pregnant again. Since Henry will be our last child I know that every time one of those little steps is taken, I will sigh with the knowledge that I will not be experiencing it again. Some toys are starting to migrate to the attic where they will await the eventual garage sale and I've begun to sort and catalog the clothes for eBay sale.

I've tucked a couple of things into a keepsake box for him- both boys have one. The boxes contain their hospital bands and mine, the outfit they came home in, their ultrasound pictures and a couple of other items. Ted's has a lock of hair- Henry's will have one eventually too.

I'm glad the monitor is off. I needed to sleep better. I'm glad my boys are growing up. And I'm glad I'm not going to be pregnant again, truth be told. I will continue to be a little wistful I'm sure, but as I said before, I'm a practical woman at heart.

Anyone want to buy a baby bathtub? I've got one I'm not using anymore.

Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery

"Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery..." It's a warning I've seen on my prescriptions at times. It was on the prescription I got after having my wisdom teeth removed. It was on the prescription I got after having my C-section.

Today I have no drugs other than caffeine in my system. I went to bed at 10. Henry nursed at 10:50 and again at 11:30 (?!) Ted awoke at 12 and howled until I went to check on him. Nothing was wrong, so I changed his diaper and told him to go back to sleep. He woke up again at 2 and howled until I went in and told him that when it was dark it was sleeping time. I used my Angry Face and my Mean Voice. Henry woke up at 2:30 and nursed. He then awoke at 5 for the day. I got another 20 minutes of sleep when he took his first nap before Ted woke up for the day. So my longest stretch of uninterrupted sleep was from 3 until 5.

I have a headache that has taken over the right side of my head and it feels like I'm clenching my teeth even as I sit here, slack jawed, typing away. So far I have read 2 books 5 times each. The boys are watching their third video of the day. They're tired and crabby too. It's hard work to coordinate a waking schedule like that I suppose.

I've emptied a couple of trash cans and frankly feel good about how much I've accomplished considering how I feel. Last night was bad, but it wouldn't have this kind of effect on me except that I have only had two or three good nights of sleep since maybe November.

I tell myself every morning that it won't be this way forever, that any day now Henry will start sleeping through the night. And that Ted will stop waking up- it's a phase. And some nights I get 3 hours of sleep in a row twice. When I get more than that I wake up disoriented because it's so unusual.

Some people fantasize about winning the lottery. I fantasize about getting 8 hours of sleep. It sounds completely unattainable- even typing it seems ludicrous.

I am so out of it that I chant to myself "coffeecoffeecoffee" when I pad into the kitchen because if I don't then I will actually forget why I'm there. There's no way I am competent to work a power tool today- it would certainly end up with a visit to the emergency room. And thanks tons to all of the people who tell me "You should nap when they do." Great idea Einstein, I wouldn't have figured that one out on my own. I haven't gotten the boys to overlap their naps for more than 15 minutes in WEEKS. Sorry for being surly.

That warning? "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery while under the influence of this medication" which they stamp on bottles of some medication? They should have stamped it on my kids.

The Nature of Happiness

It will never be my intent to call anyone out on this blog. However, my friends and family will see themselves all over this entry. So if you know me well, ask yourself where you fit in.

Recent events have left me contemplating the nature of happiness. Where does it come from? What guarantees it? Is it the same as joy? Or is it the same as peace or tranquility?

I've decided that happiness can't be the same as joy, but joy can be the sparkle of happiness. And if you are happy it is likely also that you have joy. I think that inner peace lays a foundation for happiness. Without that foundation, happiness can't take purchase.

I have a friend who comes from a disfunctional family. Her childhood was marked by horrible events. As an adult, I have watched her seek happiness. She truly wants to be happy and have peace in her life. She was not taught it at home because it didn't exist there, but she knows it exists somewhere and so she seeks it. I believe that one day she will find it because what she does have is an immense capacity for joy. I have laughed with no other person more than I have laughed with her. She has a profound sense of the absurd and loves to laugh. We have laughed until we ached and it hurt to breathe the next day. Is she happy? Not yet. Is she getting there? You betcha. She's working at it.

There are others in my life who have no real struggles in their lives. The drama in their lives comes not from without, like my friend I just mentioned, but from within. Life should be good. But there appears to be a short supply of joy and little happiness. Never sure of their footing, there seems to be an almost-constant catalog running- a continual comparison to determine one's place on the totem pole. These people are not looking for happiness, they are looking for victory, perhaps. I really think they don't have happiness as a goal. They don't seem to be seeking it. I'm not sure what they're seeking. Conquest?

There are others in my life too who have both happiness and joy. Life's struggles have been nothing beyond the ordinary and they have been free to simply be. They appreciate what they have and don't seem to be phased by what they don't. They are easy to be around because they give the benefit of the doubt- hurt feelings are hard to come by. Conversation is natural and uncalculated. I never have to worry about what I say around them because they don't take offense at things- they don't make things personal that were not meant to be.

I watch my 2-year-old and I see how passionate he is. My husband took him into the back yard to pick up sticks the other day after a wind storm. Ted got so excited helping out that he was actually shaking as he put a stick into the can. The capacity for joy that a 2-year-old has is immeasurable. What takes that away? How does it translate into future happiness? I don't know. My husband and I often talk about how we need to care for his childhood so that he can become a happy adult. We talk about how we need to lay a foundation so that he can achieve peace- so that it can be available to him when he's older.

I do know that the adults whom I see as being the happiest react to my 2-year-old in similar fashion. They want some of that joy. They get down on the floor and play with him. They pick him up and spin him around. They chase him and play and roll around in the grass.

The adults I see as being less happy appear to be too worried about what others would think. They don't roll around on the grass. They might engage the toddler, but they ask him questions and then turn back to the adult company.

What is the key to happiness? Does anyone really know? I can tell you this though:

The happy people I know are generally unconcerned about what other people are doing or acquiring as it relates to them.
They are inclusive of others rather than exclusive.
They let go of hurt feelings.
They give others the benefit of the doubt.
They expect others to give them the benefit of the doubt.
They don't have rigid preconceived notions about how life should be.
They give lots of hugs.

They also don't see everything in relation to them- by that I mean this: if I was to say "I'm so glad I don't drive a mini-van. If I drove one it would make me feel frumpy." The happy people I know would take that to mean exactly what I said. The unhappy people would take that to mean that I think they are frumpy if they drive a mini-van. (I drive a mini-van btw and I might even be a little frumpy.)

I think that one can have moments of joy without having happiness. I don't know that it's possible to have a life of happiness without moments of joy. I think the key to happiness is personal satisfaction- inner peace. I think that if you have acceptance of yourself and are able to forgive yourself and maybe even like yourself then you can be happy.

In a couple of weeks I am going to be meeting some friends for the first time. We are part of an internet chat group and while we've talked to each other for a couple of years, we've never actually met. This morning it occurred to me that my only real concern is whether my boys are going to sleep. (We're going to share a lodge and I'll sleep in a room with both boys and I snore like a freight train.) I'm not concerned at all about whether these women are going to like me. Before I found happiness, I would have worried about that a lot. I would have fretted and thought about it and thought about what I was going to talk about and how I should dress. It would have been like a first date.

I'm not worried about it. I guess it's because I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt and I expect I'll get it in return.

While I was thinking about all of this, one lucky family member kept coming into my mind when I was thinking about people I knew whom I considered to be happy. I called her up and told her that she kept popping into my mind as a person who was truly happy. You can guess what she said.

She said: Awww, that makes me happy!