Who Writes This Stuff?

My two-year-old Ted LOVES books. I think that's great- we're all readers in my family and I'm happy to read to him as often as he wants to be read to, provided I'm not in the middle of doing something else like cooking dinner.

I expect I read somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty books a day to him and his vocabulary is building itself by leaps and bounds. It's fun to hear him tackle new words and to be able to finally express some of his wishes verbally- it makes it a whole lot easier on me too.

One thing that I have found out is that the quality of children's literature varies greatly. Some of it is wonderful and some of it is simply crap. It's quality does not seem to make a difference to Ted- he is equally enchanted from the cream at the top and the scrapings from the bottom of the barrel.

The sign of a good book is much different to me. Since I am going to be the one reading it 15 times in a row, I have certain qualifications for a child's book to make it stand out.

1. It must be sturdy- if the book lasts two days because one episode of being folded all the way open has broken the book in two, it does not deserve to wear the badge of "Board Book." That title should only apply to those books hardy enough to endure and survive at least a month of love from a toddler.

2. It must have decent artwork. If the artwork is ugly or lacks perspective then it's not a good book. Bearing in mind that if a book is a favorite then it may be slept with, it may come to the dinner table and accompany the child in the grocery store or the car, it ought to be appealing to the eye.

3. It must be easy to read. If it is a rhyming book and the rhymes are forced and the cadence is off, it becomes a hated book by the reader. There are parts of Ted's books that I read the way I think they should have been written instead of the way they were written.

Examples of great books are "The Napping House" and "Good Night Moon." When I see parents listing their child's favorite books, "Good Night Moon" is on nearly ever list I've ever read. It's lyrical and easy to memorize. It almost sings itself. "In the great green room there was a telephone, a red balloon and a picture of the cow jumping over the moon." The artwork is good too. "The Napping House" has the same qualities. The artwork is intricate and nuanced; the book almost sings: "There is a house, a napping house where everyone is sleeping. And in that house there is a bed, a cozy bed in a napping house where everyone is sleeping."

I love those books and reading them 15 times in a row is not a chore- it's a labor of love that is easy.

Then there are the other books. The books that make me wonder- whoever wrote the text to this book- how did they get that job? Did some book manufacturer walk out into his staff room and look around and say "You there- throwing up into the wastebasket- are you still drunk from last night? Never mind- I want you to write the text to this book. Here are some pictures. I don't care if it's not your department- in my office I demand flexibility!" Are there no editors? There are good writers out there looking for work- how can they all get overlooked when it comes to writing children's books?

There are two books in particular that I cringe when Ted brings them to me to read. They were bought by a relative who bought them because they were on clearance for $2 apiece and the original price on the back of the book was $25. ($25!!!!! For a 4 page board book.)

They are sturdy. They have lasted and lasted. The artwork is decent too- not inspired by any stretch, but the perspective is fine and they aren't ugly to look at.

The text is wretched. Just awful. One begins "Under the ocean live two little fish. The big one is Mommy and that's her son Tisch." In these two sentences I see these problems: Fish live IN the ocean, not under it. Under the ocean implies that the fish are buried in the sea bed. Little fish, one of which is big. Which is it? Are they big or little? "Tisch?" Are we getting clever by adding the "c" in there so that no one will notice that it's a name fabricated to rhyme with "fish?" Well, the gig is up- I noticed. The cadence is off- I stumble over the words of the text when the stanzas have a 4 syllable phrase in a 2 syllable spot. I HATE reading it. I never thought I'd hate reading a book, but I do.

I have it memorized. This book is currently the favorite. I haven't read it this morning because it's still in his crib- he slept with it last night. I did get to read "A Party in the Jungle," its companion book, written by the same imbecile. This one follows Eric the Elephant and it tells us that you have to be cute to have friends, bears live in the jungle with elephants, monkeys and deer and elephants are good dancers.

Throwing away a perfectly good book seems like blasphemy to me, but it just might happen soon and by my hand.

I have a recommendation to anyone who will be buying children's literature for the younger set. Read it. Read it out loud at least twice before buying it. Think about reading it 15 times in a row. Does that seem like a punishment? If it does, then pick up a copy of "Good Night Moon" or "The Napping House" or anything by Eric Carle instead. Someone will be glad you did.