A Mellow Buzz

A mellow buzz. I expect that's what she wanted, my beloved relative whom I will not out with the story of her Friday night. She's a lightweight, that one, and not well versed in cocktails. She probably just wanted a mellow buzz. Had she known the volume of alcohol that a Long Island Iced Tea has in it, I'm sure she wouldn't have ordered one in the first place..... let alone two..... and a half....

I have no issues with lightweights. They are cheap companions who often get to forgo the dragging the next day that many of their compadres will inevitably experience. She should know what to order in a bar. So, too should my other friends who fall into this category, so I figured I'd blog some choices for my lightweight friends.

Some General Rules:
Avoid any drinks that refer to destruction. Drinks that have the following words: eraser, melting, meltdown, wreck or flaming are likely to be potent.

Likewise, avoid most drinks that have sexual references. These drinks are often sweet and intended to contain enough alcohol to lower a girl's inhibitions. (Men are unlikely to order a drink with a sexual innuendo. "I'd like to have a Sloe Comfortable Screw...." or "I'd like to have a Busted Rubber" are not words many men want to say in public. I expect you'd have to be in certain bars to hear that spoken by a man and the gal I'm primarily writing this for is unlikely to be in those bars.) An exception to this rule is Sex at My House. You can have Sex at My House.

Avoid drinks with the word "Nazi." They most likely have Jagermeister in them. Don't go there.

Avoid drinks with the word "Irish" in the name- these usually fall prey to the stereotype that the Irish are heavy drinkers and pack an inevitable punch. Most of them also have whiskey in them and if you don't like to drink, you probably won't like whiskey anyway.

Avoid Martinis. Many of them have almost no filler and are one different alcoholic beverage on top of another. If there is a mixer, it's often just an ounce.

Avoid drinks with references to pain. I can think of several drinks with the word "screaming" in them. No, no, no.

Finally, no "iced teas." Whether it's a Long Island, a Boston or any of the others, it's likely out of your league.

What you should be looking for if you are a lightweight is a drink with a low proof alcohol and a lot of mixer in it. If you have a glass of something in your hand then you still get to be a part of the party, so order a drink that you can sip for a long time. Good examples of this are the Amaretto Sour or the Sloe Gin Fizz. Wine Spritzers are another good bet- wine's proof is generally about half of what sloe gin is; you use more wine in a spritzer, but I expect that the actual alcohol volume would be roughly the same.

Avoid shots. Just say "no." If you do a shot then you end up having no drink in your hand. The effect of the alcohol in the shot takes a bit to reach full fruition and it's too easy to make a poor drink choice at this point if you are a lightweight. If you can truly order a shot (again something low volume only) and then sip a soda for the next hour, fine. I think it's better to resist temptation.

Get used to saying "Heavy on the...." to the bartender as in "Rum and Coke, heavy on the Coke." The bartender will respect you for knowing your limits. Bartenders don't like having really drunk people in their bar. It's a greater responsibility, more work and sometimes that work includes clean-up of the worst kind. Bear in mind that the lightweight should always order their own drinks. Sometimes "friends" like to "have fun" with an unsuspecting lightweight and get them polluted. Any two ingredient drink is a good option so long as the lightweight makes the request heavy on the mixer. If you ask for it in a tall glass, the bartender will usually use the same amount of alcohol but use enough mixer to fill up the glass. I would suggest making this clear with your barkeep so that there's no room for misunderstanding.

If you are a lightweight and belly up the the bar, here are some drink options:

Amaretto Sour: 2 oz Amaretto, fill with sour mix.
Melon Sour: 2 oz Midori, fill with sour mix
Sloe Gin Fizz: 2 oz Sloe Gin, top with sour mix, shake, splash with soda water
Sloe Poke: 2 oz Sloe Gin, top with cola
Wine Spritzer: Fill wine glass 3/4 with ice, fill 3/4 with desired wine, fill with soda water
Amore-Ade: 1 1/2 oz Amaretto, 1/2 oz. Triple Sec, fill with soda water
Sex at My House: 1 oz Amaretto, 1 oz Framboise, fill with pineapple juice
Bitch Fight: 1 oz Peach Schnapps, 1 oz Orange Liqueur, dash of lime juice, fill with cranberry juice, shake
Fuzzy Fruit: 2 oz Peach Schnapps, fill with grapefruit juice
Fuzzy Navel (with caution): 2 oz Peach Schnapps, fill with orange juice. When I was a bartender, this was the recipe for Fuzzy Navel. I have seen new books add a shot of Vodka to this drink. We used to call that a Hairy Navel. In the current guide I have the recipes for Fuzzy Navel and Hairy Navel are identical.)
French Summer: 1 oz Framboise, fill with soda water
Cherry Life Savor: 2 oz Amaretto, fill with cranberry juice

So happy drinking, my lightweight friends. Enjoy your nights out and enjoy the following day too.

All of the drink recipes come from here: For my money, it's the best drink book out there and I thank the author for making such a comprehensive guide.