My Definition of Family

I have an unusual family. In fact, my family is so unusual that I often find myself explaining it for other people. Others don't "get it" or even "feel sorry for me" because it must be "so hard."

I try to tell them that their sympathy is truly wasted on me- I really neither need nor deserve it. I love my family and find that it works for us in all of the ways that family should work, despite its unconventional makeup.

My husband was married when I first met him. Happily married. I was also married- less happily, but married nonetheless. 5 years later, when we began dating our fortunes had changed significantly. Like many women my age, I had gotten divorced- I won't go into the story of that here, but circumstances were such that I have not had contact with my ex's family since I moved out of the house and I had contact with my ex only to the extent that it would facilitate our divorce.

Nate's story was different. Nate had been widowed. It was something that had been a very real possibility- her illness had been grave and she'd long outlived her life expectancy when they met. She grew up in a tightly knit family that is marked by its friendliness, warmth and compassion.

When Nate became her husband, he was embraced as family and throughout their marriage he was never "that guy that she'd married" but was their brother, their son, their cousin.

So when I first started dating this man who would be my husband it was clear to me immediately that with him would come not only his mother, father, brother and brother's children but his first wife's sister, her brother, her parents and nieces and nephews as well. As he put it, "When do you stop being family?"

People are comfortable with divorce. Divorce usually marks a clean break- as I mentioned, I have had no contact with my ex's family. I think the issue is that widowhood is a lot less common until later in life and so these waters are less navigated. People truly do not understand where I am coming from.

Her family has embraced me from the start- literally. The first time I met her sister, she threw her arms around me and let me know that I was welcome. She and her husband are a loving addition to my life, as are their kids. Her parents are happy and warm. Her brother is the uncle who puts Ted on his shoulders and runs around while they both holler "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

And the questions still come. The comments:
That must be so hard for you.
How nice of you to still let him be close to them like that. (!?)
How do you deal with that?
Don't you worry that they're trying to replace her with you?

If he was divorced from her, I'd probably have an issue with his remaining close to her family, but that's not what happened. It's NOT the same. But that's what people are used to- it's the experience that they can relate to, so they think it's the same.

Some think that his remaining close to them is a sign of disloyalty to me. I think of it as a sign of his loyalty in general. Should something happen to me, I will not worry about whether my family will have a continuing relationship with my kids- when Nate becomes a member of a family, he stays a member of that family. His ties to my family will be no less strong than his ties to hers. He is their brother, their son, their cousin as well. It's now up to my family to embrace him just as his first wife's family did.

And some of my family has done that. Some of my family still treats Nate like he's an outsider who has yet to prove himself. I keep hoping that they'll put aside their feelings and be able to embrace him. I wonder if I have made it harder for him since he's not my first husband- maybe they think he's not going to be around in 5 years or 10 years from now. He is, I have no doubts about that. And 5 or 10 years from now, I'll be the great aunt to Nate's first wife's sister's kid's kids. How's that for a mouthful?

Yeah- I love my family.